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This morning, as I drove down the road going ~30 in a 30, I was passed like I was standing still by a motorist going what must have been 45.  This is not new, but there were a few interesting things about this occurrence that jumped out at me… and started me on a mental rant that I am going to continue here…

First of all, in addition to zooming past me at a half again the legal speed limit… this motorist gave me a “what’s wrong with you” look. As if I, (the guy going the speed limit, for those of you keeping score at home) was the bad guy for impeding their progress.

Because of said look, I was able to easily recognize my antagonist as one of my states publicly elected officials.

Which started me to thinking… when it comes to character, what makes one law more important than another?  Not getting caught, or getting caught and paying your fine, only to repeat the offense (most likely over and over again) is a poor proxy for doing the right thing.

And yet, I have heard this particular person pontificate on ethical and social issues, appearing to allege some sort of high moral ground.  How, really, is this person anything more than a common criminal.  And, again, most likely based on the entitled and frustrated look they gave me for going the speed limit, a probably repeat offender.

I see people consistently getting upset about or teasing others going too slow; when those others are going the speed limit.  I hear people justify speeding for well thought out reasons like “there is no way this road should be a 35.”  And I hear others agree with them, encouraging lawlessness.

I do it too, in jest anyway.  I speak of stop signs with a white border as being optional.  I try my best to actually stop every time, but, in joking about it, I recognize I am enabling and encouraging those who do not.  I am part of the problem.

So, how big is this problem?  Lets look at a few statistics (taken from a National Highway Traffic Safety Administration report:

• The economic cost to society of speeding related accidents is estimated by the NHTSA to be $40.4 Billion (thats ~$77,000 a minute or nearly $1300 per second).
• Speeding is a contributing factor in 30% of annual fatal car crashes (and lest you think I am comparing apples to oranges - roughly 30% of all fatal accidents occur in speed limits of 35mph or less - more like 45% of non-interstate fatalities)

So you tell me, am I being overly dramatic in calling this “lawlessness” or in identifying these people as common criminals?  Or… are you perhaps comfortable with people laughing about or even, at times taking pride in committing a crime that is responsible for nearly 2,000 fatal car crashes and costs society $40.4 billion a year?

By the way, they were also drinking coffee and subsequently driving one handed… but that’s a different story for a different day…

Here is what I think… I think the American Dream has changed right under our noses, and most of us don’t even realize it.  We once lived in a land of universal opportunity, where anyone who was willing to do the work could make there way to prosperity…  The Great American Dream..

People can still be wildly successful, to be sure.  However, the idea that everyone who is willing to put in the work can be successful is simply a bygone reality, a theoretical remnant of the halcyon days of a nation still in its formative stages.

The dream is still there, but the focus has changed.  Instead of “everyone has a chance to make it” it is now “anyone has a chance to make it,” a subtle change in word, but much more substantive in nature. While it is still true that anyone who is in the right situation, has the right opportunities cross their path, or has the right particular skill set (in the right place and at the right time) can be remarkably successful; the same cannot be said of “everyone.” Other people, possessing the same skill set, the same (or an even stronger) work ethic etc. are not guaranteed (or even likely to enjoy) the same success in this modern America.

Although… perhaps… maybe we do know it, at least at a subconscious level.  For example, generally speaking - as a society -  when we define opportunity, we no longer tend to focus on the number of success stories, but rather the magnitude of our success stories.

“You can be rich/famous/powerful beyond your wildest dreams” would be accepted, by many, as a paraphrase for The American Dream.  I personally, however, just do not see that as being the same as “a land of opportunity for everyone.”  And that - the latter - to me, is what The American Dream really is.

*note: not literally everyone… I mean all those who are willing to put in the necessary work… I am not advocating equal prosperity for those who do not put out equal effort in any way*

Much of this, of course, is due to the changing landscape (literally) of the country.  A hundred and fifty years or so ago, a poor Irish kid (20’s) that immigrated away from famine to New York could head out west, homestead, and farm or ranch his/her way to success.  Generally speaking, opportunity like that no longer exists.

We are populated and settled to the point where a poor Irish kid in New York these days really doesn’t have anywhere to go to plant roots and establish him/herself.  You can still create success, but most opportunity is now intellectual or service oriented, and the ability to enter that space is limited by ones ability to get an education etc.  Not such an easy task for our young Irish protagonist.

However, regardless of why, I think the reality is that, currently, The American Dream… as it once was (in practice or, perhaps, just in my mind) is exactly that… a dream.  The American Reality, as it currently exists, is that class struggle and differentiation are continually increasing; and a big part of that is because we are defining ourselves by the magnitude of our successes rather than on the number of actual successes.

For a society, I do not believe that a smaller number of larger successes are better than a larger number of more modest successes.  And I fear, that if we do not wake up from our current “dream,” it will in fact become The Great American Nightmare…

If you have read my blog for a while, you are aware of my friend Alison and her project 365 blog. If you are not familiar, in short, she has dedicated her blog to being publicly thankful to the people in her life (no matter how ancillary they might or might not be).

Yesterday, she wrote a piece (http://300sixtyfive.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-290-non-rushing-one.html) that exemplifies why I so enjoy reading her work.  Alison recognizes little things that often go under-appreciated, ignored or just missed altogether.

I have been the driver of that minivan and, I am ashamed to say, have also been upset when they don’t acknowledge the gesture. Every time I have done that I have subsequently felt small and petty.  I didn’t let them in to get thanks, so why do I get upset when I don’t get it?

The simple reality, though, is that people who do good things (no matter how large or small) should be recognized for it and should be encouraged to continue.  In my opinion, that encouragement is as good for the accolader as it is for the accoladee, as the positive aspects of the act are reinforced for both.

I guess what I want to say is, thanks Alison!  It makes my life more pleasant knowing there are people out there like you, paying attention to and acknowledging the real greatness in this world… like a couple unhurried seconds in the life of an anonymous woman in a red minivan.

On a good day it reinforces my world view… and on a bad day… it is… well… a spoonful of sugar

I received an email today, along with a solicitation of my opinion about it.  I guess it’s going around (it’s the first I have seen of it)… it is about reforming Congress.  Here is the email… with my thoughts to follow:

Congressional Reform Act of 2009

1. Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below.

A. Two Six-year Senate terms
B. Six Two-year House terms
C. One Six-year Senate term and three Two-Year House terms

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

2. No Tenure / No Pension:
A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security:
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, server your term(s), then go home and back to work.

4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans..

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

6. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career.. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people..

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

8. All contracts with past and present congressmen are void effective 1/1/10.

The American people did not make this contract with congressmen, congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

I understand and, to some degree agree with, the frustration that leads to this type of “reform.”  This is a clever way to parody the system and call for meaningful change

Having said that, in my opinion, there is not much meaningful positive change in the suggestion.  In fact, as I understand it, it would be damaging to the system.

I’ll start with the repeated premise that serving is not intended to be a career.  I would submit that the founding fathers absolutely intended for it, in many cases, to be a calling.  I am quite certain they were aware, upon shaping the constitution, of the value of experienced elder statesmen in national government.

Six years is just about enough time to have a pretty good idea what you are doing on the hill; and then, you’d be gone.  I don’t think I would be comfortable with decisions on major issues being made by a legislature who’s most senior members had been there half a decade and/or were lame-duck legislators.

Term limits, even for the president, were not implemented by the founding fathers (keep in mind that presidential term limits never existed until the great depression and the American people rallied around the guy who pulled us out of it) because they knew that the system of checks and balances, and the freedom of the electorate to choose their representation was the best tool for creating both an accountable government and the experienced elder statesmen that any nation needs to exist in the world of global politics.

In fact, the **ONLY** term limits initially established for a major branch of the federal government were those of the supreme court justices… making the supreme court a lifetime appointment.

So you see, from my perspective, the fundamental premise of this email is wrong… which seriously cuts the legs out of its suggestions.

Having said all of *THAT*…

I think if frank, objective (i.e. not clouded by frustration based on current satisfaction with the people doing the job right now) conversations could take place, interesting legislation could be written on points 3, 7, and possibly 8 (although I doubt it on #8… it seems to my uneducated - legally - mind that we would be treading on constitutionally forbidden Ex Post Facto Laws here; not to mention that essentially, through their agents, their elected representatives, the American people did make those contracts… I’m pretty sure that’s how Representative Democracy works ).

Most of the other issues (health care, retirement, etc.) are necessary (in their current form) because without them the transitory nature of the job would preclude quality people from giving up large chunks of their life, usually in the prime of their earning years, in order to serve in a legislative capacity.

When it comes to legislating the laws of the country, setting our national budget, and deciding whether we should or should not go to war (etc.), I think the last thing I would want is a bunch of people that the phrase “you get what you pay for” applies to.

When I was a child, if I wanted to watch cartoons, I got up Saturday morning; if I wanted to watch a lot of cartoons, I woke up early Saturday morning.  I remember - gasp!!!- going to bed early on Friday nights just so I could get up in time to catch the super friends at 6:00am.

When someone in my children’s generation wants to watch cartoons, they turn on the television.  If they want to watch a lot of cartoons, they turn on the television.  Not only are there networks that are (virtually) nothing but cartoons; but you don’t even have to turn it on when they broadcast them anymore.  Set up your Tivo properly and you can watch any cartoon anytime you want.

There are children who have never known what it is like to sit down and not have (at least one) episode of The Family Guy, or The Simpsons, or Sponge Bob, etc. ready and waiting for them. (To be fair… this is not much different than me with, say, The Daily Show until I ditched TV altogether a while back).

When I was 5, fast food was a $6 billion industry, in 2000 (when my son turned 5) that number had ballooned to over $110 billion.  In case you are wondering about inflation… the adjusted US GDP went up 4x over that period, the fast food industry 16x… so we’re not talking about inflation here (Source of US GDP number: US Department of Commerce).

Take a look at the cost increase by type of food, over the 15 years leading up to the year 2000 and its $110 billion fast food extravaganza.

The same report that reveals this trend points out that over the same time period consumption of fruits, veggie’s and dairy has dropped significantly while starch, sugars, and fats have remained steady or even increased (the cost of a can of soda has gone up a mere 20%, fats and oils 35%, while the cost of fresh fruits and veggies have shot up 118%. Coincidence? One does have to wonder*).

When I was a boy, I was outside playing something everyday… sports, cowboys and indians (not the best choice in retrospect… but I didn’t know better at the time), hide and seek, or just plain “playing.”  Most kids I know today spend most of their “play” time online or on a gaming consol.

Yes, I am getting to a point here…

I am afraid that our lives have become to much a function of convenience.  Quick, relatively inexpensive food, addictive while inactive entertainment and the like are serving as enablers to the generally acknowledged national problems of sedentary life styles and obesity.

As the year - and indeed the decade - come to an end the time honored tradition of establishing resolutions once again begins anew.  I’ve never really been a big fan of new years resolutions, defiantly stating that I make my resolutions as they are needed, a constant and consistent year ‘round undertaking.

However, this year, because it is the end of the year, or because its just a coincidence that my “process” is dealing with these issues right now, I have made a short list of focus items going forward (based on what I was writing about above).

1. Improve my families dietary habits. Drastically reduce fats, starches, soda etc. and increase consumption of fruits and veggies.
2. Become more active in our activities. Fewer hours in front of a video game or computer, more hours outside playing, walking, exploring, etc.
3. Make more of our own fun. Embracing creativity, instead of enjoying as much pre-packaged fun.

That’s it, that’s all.  Those are the new additions to the Jacobsen family goals.  What do you have brewing, either as a resolution… or in general.  I’d love to hear! (And quite probably be inspired!)

*I am not implying some sort of conspiracy here, simply refering to the fact that anything that is getting the bulk of production and the associated benefits (efficiencies of scale etc.) is going to have better cost controls, etc.

Okay… it only gets interesting if the sources ar People magazine are correct.  But… as gossipy magazines go, People tends to be pretty reliable, so I’m going to give it enough credibility to begin speculating.  People is reporting (and this will be on newsstands Friday) that Elin Woods is leaving Tiger Woods.

And this, my friends is where the rubber meets the road.  It is easy to seclude yourself, mind your P’s and Q’s and do the right thing when you are fighting for something.  However, a better definition of a person might be gleaned from how they conduct themselves when the fight is over, and, in fact, lost.

Has or will Tiger change(ed)?  Is he going to be a better “father and human” (if not husband).  He was certainly motivated to become all of those things in the past few weeks.  He had a wife he did not want to lose (I do not know him well enough to say how deeply he loved or cared for her, if at all… but his actions do indicate that he at least wanted to maintain the relationship.).

I have seen it go both ways, after the divorce.  I have seen people say “that’s it, I tried, it didn’t work, so now I’m going back to doing my own thing;” and I’ve seen people actually re-double their efforts to be a “better father, human” and, yes, even husband.

I have seen people fall to pieces, personally, professionally… in every measurable way.  Similarly I have seen people become far better people than they ever were before… in other words, I’ve seen people keep their word, even when the objective and motivation for speaking them in the first place did not come to fruition.

Certainly this is not easy task and takes a significant amount of character and integrity (it is important to point out here that I am not saying Tiger or anyone in his position had that character or integrity prior to hitting rock bottom… I am speaking of qualities developed or enhanced as a function of their self-destruction).

What if Tiger stayed away from golf for a while, to work on being a better human and being a better father, and making things as right as possible with Elin, instead of running back to the comfort of the links and competition?

But wouldn’t it be nice if, after losing his primary motivation for his new focus, tiger maintained it anyway. Without a marriage to save and a relationship to repair, he worked on the same things that would have accomplished those things (in a co-operative environment) anyway.  If he worked on those things because of something internal - a desire to actually be a better man rather than just rebuild an image of him being one - Tiger Woods might not accomplish what he set out to do… but it would certainly be a (pardon the pun) “major” victory.

This morning, while waiting for the bus I was perusing my friends facebook updates, cause, thats what we do to keep up with some people these days (not a complaint mind you… I find facebook and other social media very useful for this).  While catching up, I found this update from a somewhat long lost friend…

“I am so proud of S*****. They were practicing a song at school and were told that they had to substitute the word “Holiday” for “Christmas” She of course refused and will not be singing for the talent show.”

This kicked off my usual inner debate on this topic, and that fascinating unilateral discussion was in full swing when I happened upon this comment (to her update) which very closely mirrors many of my own feelings on the matter (it was almost like there was an echo in my head!!!)

“For some reason, it has become acceptable to be exclusive of select holiday beliefs instead of all inclusive…quite sad….there is so much to celebrate from everywhere!”

Such a simple statement, summarizing what I was struggling to say (to myself!!!) succinctly and accurately.  In short, we are trying to fix problems who’s solutions require inclusion with exclusivity.

I do not believe our founding fathers established separation between church and state (which, technically, they didn’t do, by the way - they outlawed the creation of a state religion, but did nothing to forbid religion - i.e. prayer - from schools or state functions) in order to create intolerance or religious sterility.

Rather, I believe, this was done to allow and accept diversity; not to create a non-theistic society, but rather to create an environment in which a poli-theistic population would be able to co-exist with their neighbors and appreciate what each contributed to the proverbial great American Melting Pot.

As my friends friend said so well… “there is so much to celebrate from everywhere,” and, I might add, so much to learn as well.

So, in the midst of this holiday season, here’s a toast to Christmas and Kwanza and Chanukah and yes, even National Fruitcake Day (December 27th)!!!

Happy holidays everyone… and by that I mean Everyone!!!

Here is what I wish people would think about before the act, speak, or do anything else on the thoughts that cross their minds… “is the potential cost of being wrong greater than the potential cost of keeping you mouth shut (or not taking some other action).”  If so, keep it to yourself, at least until you know what you are talking about.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
- Abraham Lincoln

Yesterday afternoon a person I follow on Twitter (not even someone I exchange ideas with regularly, just someone on my timeline) had a horrific experience.  Specifically, her two year old child fell into their swimming pool and drowned (her tweet said “Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool”).

There was, as should be expected, an outpouring of emotion.  However, there was also a rash of doubt and condemnation.  People (who know absolutely nothing about the circumstances of the drowning) blamed the mother for being inattentive, blamed Twitter and social media for essentially killing babies (the actual quite being “…twitter is evil,distracts from priorities”) and more.

One Twitter personality took things a step further, launching a personal crusade to validate the story.  Questioning, publically if this was a hoax, and stating repeatedly that if it were a real news story there would have been something in the media by now about it.  She called Florida media, she called local Florida police departments, and publically decried the lack of results from her premature stone kicking.

So, when the story did hit the media and was validated… what was the response from our crusader?

“story confirmed (no names mentioned). I have no reason to apologize 4 wanting story verified”

This brings me back to my original thought/question.  In this case, the price of being wrong (essentially calling a grieving mother a liar in public and adding that to everything else she must be going through right now - in case its not obvious), in my mind outweighs (by an order of magnitude, at least) the cost of waiting until the facts present themselves.

If this had been a hoax, there would have been weeks, months - or as long as your sordid imagination wanted - to rail against it.  No lost opportunity cost at all.

By contrast, by speaking up publically, she (and the others who did similar things) has done irreparable damage that can never be undone or taken back.

So much grief and pain, caused by a statement that could have just been kept private.  The price of being Madison Mcgraw being wrong will be felt by Shellie Ross for a very long time (probably forever).  How much would it have hurt Madison to wait a day or two and get the fact straight???

I can’t even imagine the heartache of losing one of my boys, let alone adding to that the other facets of this situation (guilt about being there when the accident happened, receiving this feedback from what you expected to be a support unit).

Personally, I think Madison does have something to apologize for… I’m not sure how much anguish you can add to a person who has lost a two year old child, but whatever it is, her callous and compassionless comments surely must have done just that.

Since she does not feel she has anything to be sorry about, however, I will take the liberty of apologizing for her, and for everyone else who felt the compulsion to ignore any faith in humanity, the potential results of their actions and any sort of due diligence.

I’m sorry, Shellie, mostly for your loss, of course, no one should be ever have to endure their children preceding them in death; but also for the treatment you received while trying to deal with all of this.

Yesterday Tiger Woods demonstrated, in yet another way, that he is in fact both human and fallible.  Through another short prepared statement, released via his web site, Tiger has announced that he is taking an indefinite leave from the game of golf in order to focus his energy on his family, specifically, being a better father and husband.

First of all, let me say this… kudos, Tiger, for taking the right action in walking away from the game.  In a week where you have swung and missed repeatedly, this time, you got it right.  If I were in Tigers shoes, I would have taken it a step further and announced my retirement (more on that soon); however I’m not Tiger, and the beauty of being human is that each of us gets to make our own choices and do whatever we think is best for us.

Professional Golf is a game that has always been a bit paradoxical (if not oxymoronic) to me.  Constantly holding itself to self-proclaimed higher standards (some of which I love, for example, if you don’t produce, you don’t get paid, and if you don’t produce all year… you are off the tour and have to earn you way back); and yet still holding as a cornerstone of its season a private, exclusive golf club like Augusta wrought with bigotry and intolerance

In 2003 (and 2004) Augusta provided a microcosm of golfs enigmatic existence.  Faced with a show of force when their sponsors threatened to pull their endorsements because of the clubs refusal to accept women members the club simply said… “cool, we’ll just pay for the ad spots ourselves… on with our sexist show” (that is more a paraphrase than a quote, of course).  In a sport that self espouses gentlemanly conduct, chivalry was nowhere to be found.

But I digress, this is about Tiger, and his decision to take a mid-prime-of-his-career sabbatical.

One of the great things about Tiger (the image, not necessarily the man) was that be broke down barriers.  He was seen by many to be bringing humanity, civility, and a sense of equality to a sport that was widely acknowledged to be a couple decades behind the curve.

He was a good guy.  Successful and upstanding, he was a real role model for anyone to emulate. Remember those “I am Tiger Woods” ads?  They never made “I am Michael Jordan” ads… “be like Mike” was as close as we got… and thats just not the same.  It was okay to be “like Mike,” but Tiger was the guy it was okay to actually be, regardless of your cultural, ethnic or even gender background.

When Barry Bonds was a young player for the Pittsburgh Pirates (yep he had a life before the Giants) I was actually a big fan of his.  Then his mouth, the cream, the clear, BALCO et. al.  ruined his mystique and gradually eroded away my respect for him.

I remember rooting against him when he was chasing Hank Aarons career home run record.  I didn’t want baseballs most hallowed record to be in the hands of someone with such a sordid past.  I remember thinking how much I wanted him to just stop. For the sake of the game, for the sake of kids growing up reading about the legends of the game and seeking role models… and for my own peace of mind.  At the same time, I knew he wouldn’t, no on in his position would.

I remember looking at Tiger Woods and thinking that he was “better than me.”  And I liked that, I liked the idea of a hero that was capable of doing things beyond what the average Joe would do.  In the last few weeks, of course, I have lost that impression.  Tiger is one of us, he is human, he is fallible.

However, with Tiger, unlike Barry, I still have a little hope.  If Tiger were to willingly give up his quest to surpass Jack Nicolas’s career record of 18 major tournament victories for the purposes he outlined in his statement (becoming a better husband and father) AND for the purpose of leaving golfs most hallowed record in more capable and deserving hands; well, that would be something beyond what the average (and lets be honest, even the above average) Joe would do.

My respect for Tiger would skyrocket.  Not because I approve of what he has done (and let there be no confusion, I do not) but because he would have handled his humanity and fallibility in a way that truly exemplified greatness.

Most people, at the end of the day, are selfish.  Most people, given a chance to cement a legacy for themselves (i.e. the greatest golfer - or home run hitter - in history), regardless of what that might mean for themselves, their family, or the sport, will take it.  In fact, I’m not sure I know of a single person who has ever passed up such an opportunity.

Golf is a game that extols the virtues of the players on the course.  Repeatedly I have read and heard about how it is the only sport where the players actually enforce rules and penalties upon themselves.  I believe that it is time for Tiger Woods to embrace that tradition; cite his own infraction and assess the appropriate penalty.

If he did, and if I were a big enough man to honestly admit it, I probably would have to say that, in this particular area - one that if far more important than his skill with a putter or a driver, Tiger Woods is “better than me” … and I wouldn’t mind that at all…

The other night I was talking with a good friend and she - while sharing about a family spat - said something along the lines of:

There are these people over here in this country, and they have their own history, and principles, and cultures and values, and then there are those people over there with all of theirs.  How, when a family with essentially the same upbringing, the same experiences, and everything else they have in common cannot get along, can we ever hope for world peace, or for the nations of the world to “get along.”

(She said it much better than that, I hope she forgives my horrible reiteration of it).

It called to my mind another interesting conversation I had recently with my father and brother (actually two separate conversations that went exactly the same way, with each of them).  Bear with me, because this involves sports…

College football has BCS bowls, to which every team aspires.  All year we have cheered on our hometown BSU Broncos as they pursued a BCS bowl.  BSU is a non-BCS school, meaning they can only get into the big dance through a convoluted path (which I will not go into here).  All year we have also followed the season of TCU, another undefeated non-BCS school.  We have followed them because (prior to Sunday) there had never been two non-BCS schools invited to BCS bowls.

Sunday, both BSU and TCU were invited to play with the big boys in January.  Except, they kinda weren’t.  They were invited to a BCS bowl… to play each other.

Outrage*!!!

The stories started flying about a bowl conspiracy to protect the reputations of the major BCS conferences. After a year of hoping and (in some cases at least) praying for a BCS game, there was collective disappointment at the matchup.

More locally, I was upset, my father was upset, my brother was upset… none of us wanted this game and we felt cheated… and angry.

But then a funny thing happened.  We put ourselves in the position of the bowl selection committee and went through the same selection process they did.

First I did this myself in my head; and much to my surprise - when I looked at is objectively, I made the same match up.  I then talked to my brother, and we went through the process again. *Shock and surprise* he reached the same conclusion as well.  Later that night I repeated the process with my father, and… you guessed it… same result.

In the course of one conversation (or thought process) we had come 180 degrees on this.  Mind you, none of us likes the match up, still.  However, liking it or not, we realized, in their shoes we would have done the exact same thing.

My - perhaps by now obvious - point is that, often the gap between what we want to happen and what actually happens is enough to create anger and discontent.  No one had done anything wrong on the BCS committee (at least as far as we could tell, since we reached the same results), but still… collectively… my family was outraged* with them.

It never ceases to amaze me how often conflict is the result of misunderstandings, rather than actual disagreement.  It seems to me that the first step to solving the quandary my friend outlined so well is simply listening with the intent to understand when others are talking.

I am certain that over half of the conflicts that take place daily - from individual kitchens to the United Nations - could be avoided if people just took the time to put themselves in the other persons position and work through the situation from that perspective.

(I am equally certain this would not solve all of the problems, but wouldn’t it be nice to be working with a shorter list of problems that actually existed beyond perception?)

*twice in the blog I used the word outrage(ed).  In fact there was no outrage, I was choosing this word for (somewhat humorous) effect.  We were displeased, thats about it… we’re kind of a boring bunch that way

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of the passing of my grandfather (AAKA* Farfar - http://puntiglio.com/blog/?cat=26).  I went into the day not knowing exactly what to expect. You see, 8 days prior I observed the 20th anniversary of my mothers passing (http://puntiglio.com/blog/?p=495 - why yes I do write about just about everything ), and it was at all not easy, I sort of expected the same to be true for yesterday.

But it wasn’t.  As the day moved on, and my reflections deepened, I came to realize that, unlike my mother, I had closure with Farfar.  I was by his side many times over his last few months.  We spoke (and argued), shared time and space as I prepared for what was to come.

I wrote, before his death, of my life and times with him, reinforcing in my mind and in my spirit his place in my life.  I spoke with other family members about Farfar, exchanging stories, anticipating life after his passing, bonding in ways we had not in years, a particular point that hit me with great force.

Even in dying, Farfar had a unifying effect on the family.  So, by the end of the day, a day I had anticipated would be difficult and mournful, I came to realize that I was actually celebrating his anniversary.

Much like mom, I miss Farfar horribly. However, with him, I was able to say goodbye, to close the book and, willingly and knowingly, start the next chapter in my relationship with him.

Yesterday was a good day…

Pandora contest… here’s the dirt!

My pandora stations are created by me selecting a specific song by a specific artist (as opposed to simply an artist).  So, the way the contest will work is this.  I will start posting the current song on a particular station I am listening too, and will continue to do so until someone has correctly identified the station (or until I start losing followers because os music spam )

There will be two possible correct answers for each contest a) the artist that the station is based upon and b) the artist and song title the station is based upon.  Only one prize will be given per contest, to the first correct answer.  In other words, if the station is based on Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order… and someone blurts out New Order, the contest is over… there will be no “b” prize.  Similarly, if someone blurts out New Order Perfect Kiss, the contest will be over… with an “A” prize given out for getting the artist right and no prize or penalty for the song.

Why, you might be asking, would a person agonize over the song when the artist alone would assure vistory?  Because the prize is bigger, that’s why!!

So, lets talk about those prizes.  The “A” prize is an iTunes $15 gift cert, the “B” prize is an iTunes $25 gift cert.  You will have to be willing to provide delivery information if you win. As much as I’d like to visit all of my friends and readers… I’m not going to hand deliver

The contest will take place on Twitter, so if you follow me elsewhere, make sure you follow me there as well @sorenj for those of you non-Twitter friends and followers. The contest will have the hashtag #ksbj

So, that’s the deal.  I’m not exactly sure how often I will do this, and I know I will not be doing it on a regular schedule (i.e. a particular time on a particular day)… you’ll just have to keep your ears and eyes on the ground… or at least to my Twitter stream

If you have any questions ask them here in comments so everyone can see the question and answer

Good luck!

It was 1977 in Ft Collins Co., I think, I could be wrong (about the year, it was certainly Ft Collins).  It was about 2:00am (give or take an hour).  I was sound asleep, until she woke me up to see the snow.  It was amazing, so we, on a school night, went for a walk.  At the end of that walk we wound up at a city park making snow angels and playing on the usually overcrowded play ground by ourselves until sunrise (give or take an hour or two).

I remember it like it was yesterday (give or take 40 years).  The thrill of being awake and playing in the snow in the middle of the night.  Going to school the next day and telling all of the other kids what I had been doing all night.  Perfecting snow angel after snow angel; the entire playground was covered with them when we left.

I remember asking her why we were allowed to play so late on a school night, and she said something like “because it’s the first snow, and you don’t miss an opportunity like this because you might be tired the next day.”

When we were still living in California, before the move to Colorado we drove half a day to do a 7 mile run together.  When we got there, she realized she had forgotten her running shoes and nothing other than her hiking boots to run in.  She completed the race.  They sent her a certificate “women ages 25-35, wearing hiking boots - first place.” (Well, it said something like that, I don’t remember the exact words).

Ten or fifteen years later, I was in New York to run the marathon and got food poisoning the night before.  I spent the entire night before the race in the bathroom getting sick.  I believe the term for what I looked like the next morning is “death warmed over.”  I completed the race.  I got sick a couple of times on the course, and did not have a very good time, but I finished the New York Marathon.

Several times over they years people have asked me why I ran that day and my response has always been the same, “I didn’t train for all those months, and fly over 2000 miles to New Your to not run the marathon.”

After some 20 hours on a train, when we arrived in Canberra Australia, we could not find a place to stay.  She spent a good hour on the phone, calling hotel after hotel; hostel after hostel.  The whole time with two children, 14 and 11, looking to her for a solution.  I remember her coming out of the phone booth across the station from us, throwing her hands in the air above her head, making a human “Y” and singing across the station at the top of her voice “we’re gonna stay at the… Y-M-C-A” complete with all of the necessary hand gestures.

We stood together at the top fo Ayers Rock, we shared a Singapore Sling at Raffels hotel in Singapore (where the drink was invented), we shopped for Thai silk at Jim Thompsons shop in Bankok and visited Koh Samui before the rest of the world knew it existed (you had to take an overnight boat just to get there… now people fly in directly).

This woman showed me the world, and how to relentlessly grasp everything it had to offer.  From lessons learned at a random grave site in the heart of the Outback (http://puntiglio.com/blog/?p=263) to a sense of conviction I didn’t even recognize as coming from her at the time, and so much more, she made me what I am today.

Twenty years ago, today, she died on that same Thai island, peacefully in her sleep.  Gone far too soon, a mother that never lived to see her children fully blossom; but who, none the less, shaped them into the people they had no choice but to eventually become.

I am Penny Fuersts son, I carry her and her legacy within me everyday.

I love you, mom….

What follows is probably going to seem a bit odd coming from me, given some of the things I wrote leading up to last years election.  However, in the time since the election, I have both reflected and observed; and here is what I have come up with…

It is time to let the divisiveness go.

This probably does not seem like that shocking a statement to many who know me.  What you may not have anticipated, though, was that I was speaking to the left, not the right, when making it.

Yes, I am aware that there is a groundswell of divisiveness rising from the right as well, but that is not my concern today.  What bothers me are the “winners,” the in-power left that is still focusing or at least taking jabs at the dis-empowered right.

The job before the Obama administration is before them whether you elect to blame the previous administration or not.  The only difference is the time lost (wasted) making those disclaimers and accusations.

I am tired of hearing, from friends as well as strangers, things like “its good to see the Obama administration working so hard on ****.  I just hope they are given a fair chance to work on it before people jump ship on them.  They have so many messes to clean up from the previous administration.”

No on has ever walked into a clean White House, and no mess that a new President has inherited was uniquely caused by the penultimate President.  I don’t care what percentage of Obama’s issues were caused by Bush, it doesn’t matter.

But, even in saying that, I am mistaken.  It does matter, and here’s why.  Because instead of working in a bi-partisan co-operative way, in order to address the issues that face our nation and our world (the real promise, in my opinion, of the Obama administration), defensive lines and walls are being constructed with each accusation or remark.  Divisiveness, and subsequently polarization, are being allowed to proliferate rather than abate.

So my request, my hope, for everyone out there, Republican or Democrat, is to please, stay away from the blame game.  Learning from the past is a good constructive activity, blaming it accomplishes nothing… other than manifesting a compromised future.

Its time to move forward, and let the past be the past…

Yesterday I wrote a little about one of the differences between now and when I was a child.  Specifically, I wrote about caller ID, and the lost mystery of answering the phone without having the foggiest idea of who was going to be on the other end.  It got me thinking…

When I was a kid, we used to eat our corn on the cob from one side to the other, and when we reached the end we would “ding” and return the carriage to the other side to start anew.  I did this in front of 4 children, ages 9-16 a couple of weeks ago (foolishly thinking it would get a laugh)… crickets.

When I was a kid, the best way to reach my mother after she left the house was to leave a note on the kitchen counter.  When she hopped in the car, or was in the grocery store, etc. she was, quite literally out of contact.  When my son fails to reach me (by calling my cell phone from his) he sends me a text message, his virtual “note on the counter.”

When I was a kid, and I had to type up my term papers, well, see “ding” above.  My children “type” it on a computer (none of those around until I was in high school), store it on a thumb drive and print it wherever it is convenient for them to do so.

When I was a kid, I had a record (yes, vinal records) collection that filled an entire bookcase, and was the talk of the town for having it.  My son has more music on his ipod, a limitless supply on youtube, and his own streaming customized radio station on Pandora.

When I was a kid, we had three tv stations, there was no cable (it wasn’t that we didn’t have cable… it’s that it didn’t exist).  There are now three digital version of each network (public, non-cable) station, and quite literally countless stations out there once you delve into cable or satellite.   Although, kids these days don’t grow up with the unique pleasure that is scanning the UHF dial, especially late at night, when you get twice as many stations…

When I was a kid, making popcorn was an adventure!  You’d fire up the oven, place the foil covered tray on top of it and watch the magic as the foil rose into a giant bubble of goodness.  The same tray, by the way, worked with a camp fire up in the woods.  If nothing else, the current microwave variety of popcorn is not likely to stand up well to a camp fire.

When I was a kid, Isreal and Palistine were at odds over the land on which they co-existed, Iran and North Korea were our enemies and a major issues in our foreign policy, and NASA had their sights set on the moon and stretching the limits or our capacity to travel in space.  Hmmm… I guess some things haven’t changed all that much.

It’s interesting to me that, in the brief span of my lifetime, we have come up with Microwaves, cell phones, cable and satellite tv.  We have traveled to the moon, put a rover on Mars, and a telescope in orbit.  We have taken information that would have filled rooms, or buildings, when I was a child, and placed it on a keychain… and so much more…

Nevertheless, over the centuries of human existence, throughout generation after generation of technological, medical, and artistic growth and achievement… we have yet to learn how to get along with one another.

Perhaps a closer look at our priorities is in order…

Just say’n.

Pardon me while I wax nostalgic for a moment of bygone days.

I love my caller ID, I like knowing who is calling before I pick it up.  And, yes, I even like to screen my calls sometimes.

However, I really miss the magical game of chance that a phone ring used to represent.

I miss hearing the ring and racing to the phone to answer and see who was calling (rather than glancing at the caller ID to see if I want to pick it up).

I miss calling people and hearing the expectant and curious “hello?” (Rather than, “S’up man”… or other things I’d rather not mention… sometimes, it’s better not to call at 2:45am ).

I miss the homogeneous equality all callers used to enjoy, at least until identified.  Back then, when I called, no one ever answered “Yeah?” or “what?” because they were upset with me.  It was always the same pleasant “Hello?”

“Hello?” was a question, not a statement, but, it wasn’t asking what it look’s like it was.  It wasn’t asking “is there anyone there?” as if one was peering into a dark room, curious to its content.  Rather, it was, asking “who is there, what (probably) wonderful surprise awaits me?”  It was anxious, excited, curious… the phone was an adventure.

Today, for most of the people who call me with any regularity, I don’t even need to see the caller ID.  If Franti starts singing “hello hello, bonjour bonjour” in my pocket, it is her.  If Nelly starts singing the “Country Grammar”, its him; etc. etc. etc.

There is no adventure, no anticipation, and no equality; those things have been traded for convenience and expression of personality.

Not that this is all bad, like I said, I love my caller ID, and nothing cracks me up quite like Cartman belting out “Wild Wild West” in a meeting because I have forgotten to silence my cell phone.

But, sometimes, still I do sometimes long for the “good old days.”

You know… like the late 80’s and early 90’s

Tonight I watched Flash Forward.  It was a pretty decent show, with an interesting concept and I think I could easily be entertained for a season or so (not unlike 24 hooked me for a year).  The acting was okay, the characters were alright, and the sub-plots are going to be at least moderately interesting.

However, until toward the end, it was absolutely a coin toss whether this show was going to be able to garner my attention for more than a week or two… and then it happened.  One of the best scenes I have seen in years.. When I least expected it, no less.

It was innocent enough, and I think might have flew right on by a lot of people, however if you saw it, I’m referring to the scene in bed where the main character and his wife exchange the stories of their flash forwards (visions into the future, for those who have not seen the show).

Before I go on, if you are interested and want to see it, it is on hulu (hulu.com), or I’m sure the network has it on their web site as well.  After this paragraph, there will be some light spoilers, so stop here if you don’t want to see them.

She asks him what he saw, and he, in typical male fashion, tells her all of the parts that are not likely to get him in trouble, omitting the part where he is drinking, which he knows will set her off.  He answers promptly, leaving room for her to believe she has the full story.

He then asks her, and she does her best to not answer, saying it is too painful to share.  Finally poked and prodded into responding she tells him the whole truth of her vision.  Which was her, with another mad.  She even goes on to say that in her vision she has very strong feelings and desires for this other man.

It was a fascinating, and candid look into how people typically act in my experience.  Often guys seem to be the ones who are putting things out there, but it is always measured, often omitting things that might upset the other person or get them in trouble.  Women will try to protect, or fix, but ultimately will be complete and honest in their responses.

It gut wrenching to ME as a member of the audience to think about how difficult it must have been for her to say what she said to him, especially the part about her feelings toward the other man.  And yet, she did… women, typically, do.

There are, of course, questions of conditioning.  Perhaps men simply lack the courage women have in telling the truth.  Perhaps men believe (rightly or wrongly) that women do not have the “forgive and forget” reflex of men and are afraid to say something because they know (feel) that it will be catastrophic.

Perhaps both of these things are true, or perhaps something altogether different is the case.  And that is what was great about this scene, it opens up all of the possibilities.  I could write for days about this simple interaction (and thats not even getting into the subsequent reactions of the characters.

But instead I’ll leave you with that, and the URL to the show, and you can watch and decide for yourself (or not).  As for myself, that scene in and of itself was enough for me to go back and watch at least a few more episodes.  After all, its not every day that an action/drama tv show inspires this much thought, especially with a bedroom scene!

Throughout the course of my life, I have wondered what is supposed to matter and what isn’t in a relationship.  I don’t mean “am I in love” or “is the sex good” or “are we happy and do we laugh” etc.  I know all of those things and I know their importance.

No, I mean… does it matter if we roll or squeeze the toothpaste, does it matter if we like earth tones or bright splashy colors, if we eat mostly veggies, or mostly meat, etc.

I’ve been told by many to do my homework before I commit to a relationship; that I should know the little things that are going to drive me batty before I jumping into something that I will later want to back out of because, really, who can reasonably be expected to stay together with someone who can’t even put the toilet paper on the roll properly (for the record is **MUST** roll over the top to the front, not languish at the back!).

For a long time this seemed very important and prudent to me.  But lately I’ve done some reflecting… and some second guessing.

I like earth tones, they are soothing to me, easy on my eyes and they make accent pieces really stand out… which I love.  However, ultimately, they are just shades and background… and I can live without them just fine, if something else brings joy to the person who brings me life.

I like “messy” landscaping, it pleases me to no end to have a little wilderness in my yard, it makes me feel more like I am “away from it all”… which I love.  However, ultimately, it is just groundcover and vegetation and I can live without it just fine, if something else brings joy to the person who brings me life.

I like hip hop music, the rhythm, bass and infectious beat just makes my body want to move, I love to dance and nothing brings the movement out of me like an upbeat R&B song.  However, ultimately, it is just a soundtrack, a highlight to the real substance of life, and I can live without it just fine, if something else brings joy to the person who brings me life.

Ultimately, I guess, what matters the most, are the things that don’t matter…

… that, and the toilet paper!

I would “booo” gmail’s recent issues (down for a day, contacts are down today, etc.), but after so many years of fantastic free service, I’m opting for patience and understanding…

Which has me thinking. If I can elect to have this approach with them, perhaps I can learn to have this approach with everyone, whether they have provided years of meritorious service or if five minutes of annoyance is my only experience with them. After all, I’ve always said the quality of a persons character can be found not only in their actions, but equally in their reactions to their circumstances…

So, thanks gmail, for breaking, and reminding me about one of my core beliefs, and in turn, probably, making me a better person…